A Recipe for Disaster...and Fruit Roll

If you googled "fruit roll recipe" and found this post, you may be disappointed. It's not a recipe in the traditional sense, so I apologize to you and hope you come back and visit some other time. Those of you who like non-traditional recipes, read on.

This is a recipe. It is a recipe for how to turn your life into a living hell.

Recipe for Disaster:

One Bipolar Father, age 80
One Altruistic Daughter and Son-in-law, ages 50 and 57

Place one Bipolar Father, in a depressed state, in the home of One Altruistic Daughter and Son-in-law. Provide love, warmth, security, untangle all financial, personal, and physical messes for one year. Move Bipolar Father, still in a depressed state, into an upscale retirement community one mile from One Altruistic Daughter and Son-in-law's home. Add some summer sunshine and stimulation and agitate.

Remove Bipolar Father, now in a manic state, and let him loose in the Ballard Community where he will start drinking, smoking illegal substances, spending money with reckless abandon, becoming delusional and try to give massive sums of money away to complete strangers, while believing that he is more creative and talented than Leonardo Da Vinci and that he will sell t-shirts he has scribbled on for $1500 each.

Bipolar Father will then stir up clouds of resentment, hostility, verbal and written threats towards Altruistic Daughter and Son-in-law because they try to cool down overheated Bipolar Father and prevent him from making irreversible errors of judgement.

Let Bipolar Father boil over, and step back. Be aware of burning sensations as Bipolar Father takes a flame thrower and turns it on Altruistic Daughter and Son-in-law attempting to turn them into Creme BrulĂ©e as he spits and slobbers foaming remarks of utter hatred and vicious epithets.

At this point in the recipe, the Altruistic Daughter may crumble, but if the timing is right, the Son-in-law will drive her to their cottage on Lummi Island, where she will soak in the hot tub, pick apples and blackberries and make fruit roll in her kitchen.

The kitchen view will revive her. Friends will support her and show her love. The fruit roll will come out perfect and delicious. 

The Bipolar Father will continue to shoot flames and will attempt to destroy the Altruistic Daughter and Son-in-law who saved his life. He will stew in his mental illness. One day in the future he will be cremated, (as was his wish, when the Altruistic Daughter helped him create a Will, that he will now leave her out of) and only then will the recipe be done.

Note: It is my recommendation that you do not attempt this recipe. It will only lead to a terrifying and upsetting life. However the fruit roll is highly recommended. 

About 18 smallish apples (Spartan is what I have)
1 32 oz yogurt container of blackberries
1/2 inch cinnamon stick
2 or 3 TBS sugar
A little water

You will need a food mill for this recipe. In a large heavy-bottomed saucepan, place the apples- quartered (leave the peels and cores in)- add the cinnamon stick, sugar and the water. Cover and cook over medium-low heat, checking and stirring so the apples don't stick to the bottom. You are making applesauce. You may need to add a little more water if the mixture is too thick. Keep cooking for about 20 to 30 minutes until the apples are all softened. 

Over a large bowl, put the blackberries through the food mill with the finest mesh screen. Clean the food mill, and then put the applesauce through it into the same bowl. (Keep cleaning out the peels and seeds into your compost bucket as you go.) Then whisk the applesauce-blackberry mixture into a cohesive whole. 

Lightly oil your food dehydrator plastic sheets, and using a spatula, evenly spread the blackberry-applesauce mixture on the sheets. I got 6 sheets worth out of the recipe. Run the dehydrator 15 hours- or until the fruit roll is completely dry. Pull off the dried roll, cut into 8 slices for each sheet and wrap individually in saran wrap. Store in airtight container or Ziploc gallon bag. Will keep for a long time. 

Enjoy the little things in life, especially when your own father hates you for all the good things you did
with love,


1 comment:

  1. Oh, Nina, I feel for you. It wasn't my actual father, but I've been turned upon by my octogenarian mentor after taking care of him for 10 years. There must be a support group out there for this. The viciousness that people on the brink of dementia are capable of can feel as if they're sucking years out of your life. This too shall pass...


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